Monsoon Dry, Yet Blowing Hard Jun26 '03

As promised on the Monsoon web site, here is the humorous article from The Associated Press, in regards to the current state of team affairs for Monsoon, which, for those of you who don't know, is a basketball team that I play on, in a park district league in Morton Grove, IL. The article was immediately followed up by another article from Ali Khan, but for the sake of brevity, we here at matthom.com will only post the first - the original.

To get you up to speed on the current situation for Monsoon, we are 1-1, and our only loss came this past Sunday, which turned out to be an embarrasing defeat. We went in thinking we would mop the floor with them, but they ended up returning our thoughts with actual actions. They indeed mopped the floor with us. But not because of great talent on their part, just lousy efforts (read the article) on our part.

The article that follows was written by Andy Trenkle.

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Morton Grove (IL) - Last Sunday's debacle at the hands of Morton Grove Premier League minnows Dracula Salon has left many a Monsoon supporter gloomy during the long work week.

"I wait all week for my Sunday Monsoon date, and needless to say last week's attempt was less than satisfactory. I liken it to a cheap ho getting excited about going out with MJ for some steaks at Gibsons only to find herself dining on Panera imitation French Onion soup from Fridays."

... lamented a Monsoon supporter who wishes to be named "nameless" for fear of being shut out of rollicking MSHS class of 2001 keggers.

"I dont know what to do to assuage the sorrow except buy a throwback."

What plagued the team last Sunday, and even in first half struggles versus Grape Soda? Obviously a barely fit roster featuring only five players had a factor. Yet most 'Sooners' refuse to place the blame on a lack of quality reserves. Other factors include:

1. The absence of superfans Michelle and Mr Thommes. Their unquantifiable support over a long campaign cannot be quantified.
2. A lack of ball movement on offence, particularly in the second half.
3. Fouls
4. Turn-overs
5. Hang-overs

Yet perhaps a promising answer may come from research conducted by the Bill James Group for Dance Hall Basketball League Research who is looking into the relationship between odors from wood floor treatment and point production in American men aged 18-27. They are to publish their results shortly. Until then few really know what is going on behind the scenes of the yellow and black of the Monsoon Bees.

But apparently the team does. Club Chairman and Director Matt Thommes recently inked Chicago Medical League star guard Scott "2 Hot" O'Donnell to a one year deal with options for future campaigns. The signing also gives the team first chance at other CML All-Stars "Buddy Darien" and "Persian Guy."

Thommes was unavailable for comment due to a furious work schedule at Pultizer Prize winning web site matthom.com, but needless to say he is probably bouncing on his bed and putting hand prints on the ceiling.

In even bigger news, if their can be such a thing, the team has sought their first coach in history in the form of Sir Norman Dale who we last saw winning the Indiana State Championship in 1954 with the Hickory Huskers. Dale could be the perfect addition to a club with his firm philosophy of "four passes before a shot." He is also used to managing a small roster of undersized, unathletic crackers (apologizes to the Great Khan). Dale had little to say after his car was hounded while driving into Monsoon HQ at the PRCC. Dale, sipping Dunking Donuts coffee, would only say he doesn't believe in the vaunted Monsoon 2-3, "It only confuses Bartel and Khan."

When queried on how the team could afford such a pricey star as "2 Hot" and coach as Norman Dale, Club Financial Officer Jeff Bartel cited a vast increase in funds for the club stemming from a 1999 investment in space age smoothie making technology which all the big smoothie chains "Planet Smoothie absolutely included" are now purchasing.

Despite not capturing top spot in the standings, and definetely not the praise of many around the MGPL (tan refs included) Monsoon remains in the spotlight. From here on out, however it must be their play that keep them there.

- Andy Trenkle

Categories: Gag , Humor , Sports

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