Life, winter, and reflection Dec10 '06
Maybe it's the hustle of the holiday season; the rush to get things done; and the consistent pressure at work. Lately I've felt very unmotivated and uninspired. I sit around in my room and piddle the guitar strings, hoping for some devine inspirational chords to start magically playing themselves, although using my own hands.
To prove how "out of it" I am - this morning I proceeded to put acoustic guitar strings on an electric guitar, and not realizing it until I was completely finished. I just sat there and stared at the guitar in my lap, somberly thinking, "How could I not have noticed this, as I was doing it?"
I'm surprised I have been able to put matching socks on lately. It seems a part of my brain has gone to sleep for the winter.
December has always been a lousy month for me - more so since I've grown older. I just can't quite place it. Something just doesn't seem right. I don't know what it is, but whatever it is, it becomes absent each winter. Or maybe I just become less aware that it ever existed. Whatever it is.
Everything around me becomes a distraction, rather than the indifferent things that have always co-existed along side of me, without my paying much attention to them.
Distracted by irrelevence. The stress and the tension. The stress and the tension. I'm in a lull. Radiohead - Lull
On top of my complete disassociation with life - I've been feeling sick lately - a mild stomach bug that seems to remind me:
"You are a human being. You are capable of suffering."
As I sit here and watch the icicles melt away, outside my window sill - with drip after repeated drip - I am thinking that this is just what I will do.
I will sit and watch the icicles melt away. I will watch the clouds move around above the world, showing brief patches of blue. I will stare at the barren and desolate trees - with the foreboding backdrop of the everlasting white and gray sky. Their thin branches looking much like veins inside a person's body. I recall how beautiful those trees look when flourishing with leaves; a blue backdrop, on a humid summer morning. But now they are empty. Alone. Naked.
I will sit and watch the grayish afternoon daylight slowly creep away, into the eternal darkness, that is the depths of winter.
For there is nothing more to do - nothing to attend to, and nothing to prepare.
My journey through winter is based on reflection and reservation. As the animals must do, so must humans. We must turn inward, and reach deeper for the strength to live, and love.
Our reservation does not go unattended. We wait in joyful hope for the coming of spring - of new life, and new promises.
But for now, just be you. Don't try to be anything but that.
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